.

What have i ever done to deserve this?

I've gone through life bending over backwards not to hurt anyone, I've never chosen my own happiness and well being over anyone else. And the one time i choose myself, this shit happens.

I wish i never existed
Strike me now
End this
I cant take it anymore

Fact

To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven..


Fact.

Why?

Why is it that when you give up on something, suddenly it does exactly what you wanted?

Why is it that when you stop wishing, an old wish you made years ago comes true?

Why is it that when you finally accept the unhappiness bestowed upon you, you are given a glimpse of heaven?

Why is it that the fairytale you've always wanted, decides to show itself to you just when you stop believing in it?

Why is it that you simply cannot control your heart?

Been Busy

Ah crap i neglected the blog again. Fail.

I meant to keep up with posting and stuff but i got a bit too busy and completely forgot about this blog. *sigh*

Anyways, October is over and here is November, which is proving to be a good month so far. Hope it lasts.

I've been joining way too many things around Uni and stuff that I've been coming home exhausted and extremely hungry at times. I finally am starting to read properly again. Well not properly like before but i try to whenever i have a break and have nothing to do and no one to sit with, which admittedly happens every day as i really do not have anyone to sit with. I lead such a solitary life. It's very fun huh? Extremely fantastic to be so alone, all the time.

October Bad Spell

October hasn't been treating me very well. I was having a very bad month, encountering lots of shit every day. Personal problems became so annoying. But hopefully the bad spell is over now and I'll be having good or at least boring event-less days.

Spent a while tidying up my room a little, I'm being very OCD and feeling like i should be organized and fix up my mess.

That's it for now. Rant over.

Irritating

This is so fucking irritating. It's so annoying to the point that i would actually get violent.

I hate girls. I hate stupid idiotic overly confident evil eye giving bitches. You all must die. JUST DIE.

Leave me alone. Leave him alone. Leave us alone. And die.

Stop doing this shit. Just stop it. I can't take it anymore and i feel like I'm going to explode.

Every time this happens i try and try so hard to contain my anger. I try so hard to put a smile on and laugh. Just fucking stop it.. oh and die. Please, thanks!

The Weekend Is Here!

Finally the weekend is here!

October hasn't been a good month for me. So much drama, so many problems and overall gloom and doom. I've been having bad days for a while, nothing goes right and something just HAS TO go wrong. Please let this be a slow event-less weekend!

The one good thing i can mention is the fact that the weather is starting to get cooler. We've been having a cool breeze for a couple of days. It actually felt cool today. Sort of like a perfect weather as it wasn't too hot or too cold, this was in the afternoon obviously as the sun at midday is horrible. So hello winter! Hello to jackets, coats, boots, tights, scarves and sweaters. Hello to hot tea with milk, hot chocolate, hot baths and possibly rainy days.

I love you summer but I'm sort of tired of you, bye bye now, see you next year!

So lately I've been looking at photos of overfilled bookshelves, huge libraries and simply books in general and it made me wish i had a large library. It made me wish i had shelves upon shelves of books. I need to start reading again. I was hoping I'd be able to in Uni but i really haven't had the time. Hopefully i will do some much needed reading this week. Hopefully.

H.A.T.E

I hate you.

I hate you for getting whatever you want. I hate you for being so fucking spoiled. I hate you for getting away with things. I hate you for getting things before i ever did. I hate you for existing.

I hate you too.

I hate you for flaunting it. I hate your confidence. I hate your smile. I hate your photos.

I hate money. I hate my internet. I hate my clothes. I hate my bed. I hate my body. I hate my health. I hate my face. I hate my teeth. I hate my eyes. I hate my hair. I hate my nose. I hate my skin. I hate my stomach. I hate my colon. I hate my thighs. I hate my legs. I hate my toes. I hate my toenails. I hate my fingernails. I hate my moles. I hate my chest. I hate my butt. I hate my lips.

I hate facebook.

Busy

I haven't had much time for blogger since Sunday. I've been very busy with Uni and had to deal with lots of drama and many problems. I'm exhausted and have been since Sunday. I hope it gets better, i hope i can manage my time better starting next week.

I had to study math for the first time since i finished high school, i had numbers whirling around in my head for a while but at least i understand the material so far. Hope i do well.

Bye for now

Jealousy

Jealousy: [jel-uh-see]

mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.

So I'm mental? Apparently i am. I've been suffering jealousy and envy for a long time. It's never easy to be jealous of someone, its a very hateful feeling, just awful. It happens without one really knowing or meaning it, well at least sometimes. I don't like feeling this way. I never thought I'd be feeling this way almost everyday. But the sad truth is.. i am. I'm jealous of people healthy enough to pursue whatever they want. Jealous of people who own material goods that i don't own. Jealous of certain characteristics that some people have that i don't. Jealous of physical features that celebrities or any normal human being have. Jealous of the amount of attention that people seem to get without even asking for it, without even realizing how much attention they're really getting, to the point that they even expect it!

This blog seems to be turning into a place for my negative and most hateful thoughts and feelings.. but i just can't fucking help it..

I hope to God that tomorrow will be a good day.. even thought i highly doubt it..I'll be prepared for anything.. any little rainy cloud that longs to rain over my head..

Tomorrow I'll bring a book along to occupy myself, to hide, to lose myself into another realm, a strangers life and point of view..

Cant Fight It

I've always hated people with big ego's, people who love themselves (too much in my opinion), people who are over confident, people who call themselves all kinds of "good" adjectives like "sexy" and "hot", people who get complimented by those "good" adjectives on a daily basis...

How the hell did i end up sharing my everyday moments with a person like that? A person who loves the opposite sex so much? Maybe too much?

I don't like it and there's nothing i can do that will make a change. Not a significant change anyways.

I can't fight it, i can't help it, there's nothing i can do that will distract that person long enough. I've tried a lot of ways, none of them work long enough.

It's like no matter what i do, no matter what outfit i put on, no matter what pair of heels i wear, no matter any amount of make up on my face will make enough of an impact to last a while.. it only works in the moment but i think the memory fades the exact next day and I'm back to square one all over again.

I hate feeling this way so much.. & sadly I'm going to encounter this feeling on a daily basis all over again starting Sunday..

October 1st

I want to attempt to write at least one blog post a day but often find myself staring at a blank box for a long time and still have nothing to write.

Anyways, I'm in bed -well sitting on top if it- in my pajamas as usual. Staring at my blackberry, willing it to ring..
Hah pathetic aren't it?

I feel like such a nerd. I've had my Uni notebook, file and pens ready for ages.. Oh well.. at least i wrote a little something.

Goodbye September

So its the last day of September and the song "wake me up when September ends" is echoing in my head. I'm ending this month on blogger with only 11 posts, mainly because I don't have such an eventful and interesting life to write about. But it felt right to type a little something tonight. So goodbye September and hello October. Time seems to fly by.. scary..

I'm starting Uni again this Sunday with 5 subjects that i hope I'll be able to pass with good grades.. damn i have maths *dies* I really really hope i don't fail it!

The clock ticks by warning me that midnight is very close and that i should hurry up and type something decent and post it before the clock strikes 12..

I don't have anything decent to type sadly. All i have is a mind full of whirling emotions.. disappointment.. hurt.. solitude..

Seriously?

Seriously, am i going to feel this way for the rest of my life?

Am i always going to feel left out and out of place? Will i ever 'fit in' ?

Everywhere i go..no matter what i do or look like, no matter what i wear or dont wear.. its a constant battle of feeling so so alone and not included...

Maybe I'd feel better in Hogwarts.. *sigh*

Craving Food

I'm craving food..lots and lots of food..

McDonalds McChicken and french fries with Pepsi
Burger King chicken tenders and french fries
KFC popcorn chicken and french fries
Dairy queen tripe scoop vanilla ice cream
Penne Arabiata
Spaghetti Bolognese
Brownies
Chocolate chip Cookies
Vanilla cupcakes
Pansit
Chicken grills
Chello kebab

and so much more... :(

.Update.

Another update:

To-buy-list:
1. Coco Chanel lipstick - GOT IT
2. A long cardigan
3. Tank tops (Forever21) - GOT 1
4. New books (From Virgin) - GOT 2
5. Dark jeans that fit! - GOT 1
6. Ankle boots (Maybe Aldo)
7. Tripod
8. Eye shadow brush - GOT IT
9. Two new perfumes
10. Scented candle
11. Chanel eye shadow pallet
12. Bubble bath (sephora) - GOT IT
13. High heels
14. Tops and T-shirts

Family Issues

Since today's the second day of Eid so that means my parents, sister and i go to a family lunch on my dads side of the family. It's an old tradition that goes back as far as i can remember. I remember i used to be a little happy to see my cousins, whom i had fun playing with. I was too young to notice anything so i think that's why i was happy and carefree. I didn't feel the tension in the air. I didn't notice some remarks, some harsh dealings and words. I never noticed anything. But now that I'm much older, i notice..

At some point while growing up i started hating going to these lunches. I don't remember exactly when the hate started but I'm guessing sometime between 12 and 13. I would dislike going there but i still did not notice much. I liked talking to my uncle's Filipino wife though.

I don't know why i don't have a normal family, its like everyone is forced to attend these lunches and everyone's just sitting there waiting for it to end, making small talk, eating, drinking tea and such.

I sometimes wish i had a normal family life. I listen to other people's version of gatherings, see people's photos with their cousins and think...why don't i get to have that too?

Smack

&& smack I'm hit in the face again and again and again...

I don't know why i log into facebook so much, i mean i go there to stalk people, to type random stuff into my status since twitter doesn't have enough space, and i post up photos and play games but every once in a while i get bitch slapped in the face. I don't know, its like i bring it onto myself, i cause this wave of 'feelings' to wash over me. I just don't know...

You'd think intense jealousy would stop after the age of 11 as we grow older and mature enough to not be so jealous but we really don't...

September 10

Well my quotes collection is up to 20-something. That's pretty good, I'm going to keep collecting!

So today's the first day of Eid and i wake up with a damn stomachache, lovely, NOT.

September 8

So I'm going to try and blog every couple of days or so just because i don't want to have just 5 posts in each month.

I really don't do much these so there isn't much to talk about.

So on Saturday i went to the mall and got a few things from to-buy-list and everything is listed in the updated list before this post. I was looking for a pretty cardigan but couldn't find one the right length or color, my cousin bought one from Forever21 but it had striped and I'm not a big stripes fan. And today i happened to walk into Mango and browse around, i saw a lot of cardigans, a few colors and different styles but couldn't decide which one to buy and i also didn't think any of them would suit me much.. i don't know.. maybe it was an insecure moment. Maybe I'll go back in a few days and just pick one.

I've decided to make a quotes collection book/notebook. I've written down about 11 or 12 so far. I hope i end up getting a huge collection and actually fill up the notebook =)

:)

So i recently went to the mall and got some stuff! So here's an updated list.

To-buy-list:
1. Coco Chanel lipstick - GOT IT
2. A long cardigan
3. Tank tops (Forever21) - GOT 1
4. New books (From Virgin) - GOT 2
5. Dark jeans that fit!
6. Ankle boots (Maybe Aldo)
7. Tripod
8. Eye shadow brush - GOT IT
9. Two new perfumes
10. Scented candle
11. Chanel eye shadow pallet
12. Bubble bath (sephora) - GOT IT

Utter Bliss

I find myself getting so bored to the point where i actually want to go back there. I actually want to go back to being busy and tired and always on the go.

I never felt like i fit in anywhere, always out of place. No matter where i go, where i join or who I'm with there's always this nagging feeling inside that it just isn't right, these are not the people I'm supposed to be with, not the place I'm supposed to be in.. but there's always an exception to the rule, isn't there? I only feel at home with one person and i hope i always feel at home with him.

But other than that, it's always the same feeling.

I didn't have this feeling this strongly years ago. There were two places where i felt like i belonged, a bestfriend i used to have.. and a circle i used to love, used to look forward to, used to feel like home.

& now I'll obviously go back to one of those places sooner or later, I'll need distractions or I'm doomed. Funny how a book can become your bestfriend overnight. Funny how its your salvation, your refuge to stare into its sheets of paper, to read each word hungrily, to be so involved into its paragraphs that for an instant you forget where you are and who you're surrounded with..and it becomes utter bliss..

Updated to-buy-list

Updated:

To-buy-list:
1. Coco Chanel lipstick
2. A long cardigan
3. Tank tops (Forever21)
4. New books (From Virgin)
5. Dark jeans that fit!
6. Ankle boots (Maybe Aldo)
7. Tripod
8. Eye shadow brush
9. Two new perfumes
10. Scented candle
11. Chanel eye shadow pallet
12. Bubble bath (sephora)

To-buy-list

Typing down what i want to buy list so i don't forget.

To-buy-list:
1. Coco Chanel lipstick
2. A long cardigan
3. Tank tops (Forever21)
4. New books (From Virgin)
5. Dark jeans that fit!
6. Ankle boots (Maybe Aldo)
7. Tripod

I think that's it for now. Hopefully I'll get some of them by the end of this week.

Put A Smile On

So I've been reading posts from my old blog back in 2008 and saw that i still have the same feelings, still have the same issues and still want to rant about them.

I don't really know if its healthy to do this because i keep going back to the same subjects over and over again. It's probably healthy to get things out of your system but probably not so good to bring up the same issues.

I don't know though.. i mean i still do feel the same.. i still have the exact same moments when i feel so.. utterly crestfallen.. moments when i just want to lock myself up somewhere and cry my eyes out. I may have gotten better at hiding those moments, may have gotten better at keeping the tears at bay but that doesn't mean i don't feel so shitty and so so damn sad inside...

I have been away from the source of my rants for a while but come fall it'll all come flooding back, i just know it.. I guess i have to be prepared for that to happen. I have to brace myself and say 'hey, theres no hiding from this no matter how much you want to. Just suck it up, put a smile on and try to ignore it'

I know that ignoring wont make it go away.. or would it? Oh i don't know.. i don't know what to think anymore..

Why wasn't i one?

There's this one thing... one of a million things probably... that pisses me off so much.

It's those pretty and young girls flaunting all they have on Facebook.

When i say young that doesn't mean that i, myself, am old. I am young but their kind of young-ness is the fact they're between 12 and 17. I've already passed that stage and i didn't pass it by "flaunting whatever beauty i may or may not have had". I never had guy after guy wanting me, i never had guys hung up on me to the point that they'd discuss their heartaches with other people.

I had this one friend, had because he moved away and we don't really talk anymore, but yeah i had this friend who liked a younger girl, and she is very pretty i tell you. He kept talking about her with me, saying this and that, ranting, asking for advice, etc... and the girl was.. hmm i don't really remember her age but something between 13 and 16.. but c'mon shes so young and he was a few years older than me, at the time i was 18.

It makes me wonder what it takes to be one of those girls. Why wasn't i one?

1st Post @ the airport

& so i decided to type up my first post while at the lounge in the airport waiting for my flight to get here.
I should be happy
I should be excited
I should be ecstatic
but...
I'm feeling bad, sad and guilty.